being disappointed by people you respect...

so...most of you that know me know that i love donald miller's writing...i love the way he expresses truth...i love the way he makes you think...i love the way he paints pictures with words...

i have been so excited about the release of the movie "blue like jazz" based on his book by the same name...i told all my friends about it...i bought my tickets and went over the weekend...

i talked about it on twitter...i talked about it on facebook...i talked about it to anyone who would listen...i loved the movie...and was happy to see it doing really well in certain markets...

all day long in my twitter feed i kept seeing updates from donald miller about how the film was doing in different markets...doing well here...not doing so well there...

well...then it came to alabama...and his statement was "Alabama is doing well for a movie not about football."

i was rather annoyed by the statement...not offended...not mad...not up-in-arms...just bothered because people are always portraying alabamians as a bunch of backwards hicks who have not clue one about anything other than rebel flags, football and marrying our cousins...

my response was this: "@donaldmiller wow! degrading people of an entire state with blanket judgements may not be the best way to drum up support for your movie!"

he responded with an apology...saying he didn't mean it like that...he didn't mean to offend...and that was cool...i appreciated that he meant it as funny and didn't think of it being taken in another way...

so, i responded: "@donaldmiller no hard feelings...just feel like alabamians are too often characterized as a bunch of rebel flag wavin, fball lovin rubes..."

at which time he blocked me!!!

now, for me, this is a huge disappointment...because this is someone i respected...someone i believed to be level-headed, open-minded...reasonable...real...someone who would err on the side of grace, not retaliation...

this experience threatened to taint what i have taken from all of his books (yes, i have read and recommended every single one of his books)...to taint all i have heard him say in the lectures i have attended...to taint the blogs i have read...to taint everything i have thought about donald miller or read by him...

and i wanted to extend grace...to believe that somehow there was a reasonable explanation for what seemed like a very unreasonable response...it seemed there should be room for grace on both sides...

disappointment...

and so i am trying to let go of the disappointment...because, i know donald miller, at the end of the day, is, like me, a flawed human being...and as much as i want to say "i don't think jesus would have blocked me"...i also think jesus would have taken being blocked with meekness...

and so i shake off the dust of hurt and disappointment and move forward...leaving it in the hands of a God who is ever so much better at this grace thing than i...

and seriously...go see "blue like jazz"...it's a really good film

little things

tonite i opened the french doors that lead out to my deck, turned off the lights, lit a candle and have been sitting listening to the sounds of happy birds singing their little hearts out

and a slow, steady rain...

it has made me think of porches with swings, clotheslines and the smell of sheets dried in the sun and how it wraps you up in a hug that seeps all the way down to your soul...about screen doors on a spring that slam shut behind you...about the sound of my grandmother sweetly humming as she bustled about the kitchen...

it has made me homesick for a home i've never had...for someone who cares about your day...someone to tell you about theirs...someone to sit on that porch swing with, drowsily listening to the sounds of the crickets and tree frogs and life all around...

sigh

moving and changes

so i officially moved to nashville right before new year's. we emptied my storage unit in dc and drove the truck here...unloaded and now this is my new home...for a time, at least...

this is a strange move...i am here for school and though i am sure that is not the only reason, it is the only thing in my line of vision right now...

i usually enter into change with trepidation, but anticipation of all the great things that could be there for me...not so this time...

i worry that i am losing hope and that is why i don't see this as anything more than the need to go to school...finish the program...get my license and get a good job...

there is no long distance dream or vision tied in with this...and that is not my norm...

so i wonder what is going on with me...and why i can only see this as doing what is before me...but i press on and i intend to finish or at least do all that is within my power to finish...

in this place of displacement, body and soul