the price of an adventurous life...

recently, i was spending the day with dear friends and we were discussing life...something was said about trading lives with me...i immediately responded, "you don't want to trade lives with me...trust me, you don't want my life..."

i made that statement, not really as a complaint...but more as a means of clarifying...one of my friends responded, "people don't realize the cost (or price or something like that) of an adventurous life..."

that really caught me off guard and struck at the core of things i've been sort of mulling over in my own heart and mind...

this adventurous life that everyone thinks i have and to be honest, i know i have..is not all it's cracked up to be...yes, i've been blessed with many wonderful opportunities to travel, to learn, to meet many amazing people and do many fun and wonderful things...but is easy to look from the outside and see a person's life as adventurous and enviable...and never really know what that life has cost them...

as i have spent some time now reflecting on my life, i realize it has cost me stability...the opportunity to put down roots somewhere...the privilege of belonging to people, to places...it has meant that meeting all these amazing people came with goodbyes i wasn't ready to say and friendships left still in their seeds of promise...it has meant not ever quite feeling "home"...

every road of risk-taking is a road of pain...because for every leap that brings the soaring, there's hundreds or more that only end in "thud!"...

it has also cost me being settled...having someone to come home to...to talk over my day with...it has meant that most of these incredible experiences i've enjoyed alone or with practical strangers...i don't have many people i can reminisce with about all the great times...

and as the years wane, i find i long for the porch light...for the someone waiting for me...someone to come home to...someone to come home with...

don't get me wrong, this is not discontent rearing its ugly head...just reflection from a grateful, but somewhat wistful heart...because i guess whatever kind of life...the grass always seems greener...

Psalm 130:5-6 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.

we grow weary, waiting...i am really impatient...i mean, i am fine to wait for a bit...particularly if it looks like what i am waiting for or hoping for is actually going to happen...it is the waiting when i don't know what is going to happen or when...waiting when i am not sure what is coming down the pike...waiting when i am watching things turning in a way that scares me and makes me wonder if anything is ever going to work out...that's the hard part...

we wait for the sunrise, because we know it is coming...we know it is coming...the night may be dark...and scary...sounds from things unseen may startle us and set our very hair on end...but light will come...the first, faint glimmer of the sun will illuminate the darkness...and so we wait...because we know the sun will rise...

oh to wait on GOD like that...to know the breakthrough is coming...to know something good is coming...to know HE is going to come through for us...the sun is going to rise on our lives...it is...because that's just the way it is and we know...

ah..there it is...the child is gone

i love the line from "finding neverland" when johnny depp (as j.m. barrie) comments "ah...there it is...the child is gone..."

that moment when "reality" sets in and we no longer believe in santa claus, the easter bunny...magic...when we are far too sophisticated to be "duped" by such "nonsense"...

but i must admit that the older i get, the more i believe we are "duped" by logic and "common sense" and not be any sense of the wonder of our childhood...

as a matter of fact, i believe there is a reason jesus said you have to approach the kingdom of heaven as a little child...because they are the only ones who still see clearly...before their great "minds" get in the way...

i read this earlier today:: “Soon the child’s clear eye is clouded over by ideas and opinions, preconceptions, and abstractions. Simple free being becomes encrusted with the burdensome armor of the ego. Not until years later does an instinct come that a vital sense of mystery has been withdrawn. The sun glints through the pines and the heart is pierced in a moment of beauty and strange pain, like a memory of paradise. After that day, we become seekers.” —Peter Muryo Matthiessen, courtesy of Parabola Magazine

so i challenge you to say to the bullying voices of "common sense" and what "everybody knows"..."shut up you big meanies!" and approach this season with the wonder of a child...open your mind, your heart, you soul to its magic...and see what impossible things you might discover...

saying yes to God...

i love the christmas song "mary did you know"...the lyrics are so poignant and powerful::


"Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you've delivered, will soon deliver you.

Mary did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
And when you kiss your little baby, you have kissed the face of God.

The blind will see, the deaf will hear and the dead will live again.
The lame will leap, the dumb will speak, the praises of the lamb.

Mary did you know that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day rule the nations?
Did you know that your baby boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?
This sleeping child you're holding is the great I am."


how very many things mary could not have known...i think we assume that the people in the testimonies contained in the bible knew the whole story that we know...but i am sure that, like us, they only knew a very small bit of what GOD was doing...mary knew she had a visitation...she knew this child was like no other...but she could not have fully known all that it would cost her to say "yes" to GOD...

my favorite story from the christmas account comes when they take JESUS to the temple...and they encounter a man named simeon...i love simeon...here's the story::


LUKE 2: 22 When the time came for the purification rites required by the Law of Moses, Joseph and Mary took him to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord 23 (as it is written in the Law of the Lord, “Every firstborn male is to be consecrated to the Lord”[b]), 24 and to offer a sacrifice in keeping with what is said in the Law of the Lord: “a pair of doves or two young pigeons.”[c]
25 Now there was a man in Jerusalem called Simeon, who was righteous and devout. He was waiting for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was on him. 26 It had been revealed to him by the Holy Spirit that he would not die before he had seen the Lord’s Messiah. 27 Moved by the Spirit, he went into the temple courts. When the parents brought in the child Jesus to do for him what the custom of the Law required, 28 Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying:
29 “Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you may now dismiss[d] your servant in peace. 30 For my eyes have seen your salvation, 31 which you have prepared in the sight of all nations: 32 a light for revelation to the Gentiles, and the glory of your people Israel.”
33 The child’s father and mother marveled at what was said about him. 34 Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother: “This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, 35 so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too.”


i marvel that simeon was able to recognize JESUS as the promised child in the large crowds and in the number of children he must have seen come through the temple in his time of waiting...and i wonder what mary thought of his words, "and a sword will pierce your own soul, too."

i wonder if mary remembered those words as she watched the horrific death of her son by crucifiction...i am not a mother, but i cannot imagine the agony of that experience to a mother's heart...i wonder if mary every doubted...if she ever told GOD, "this isn't what i thought i was signing up for."

she couldn't have known all it would mean to say "yes" to GOD in that moment when the angel appeared to her and told her things too impossible to be true...i wonder if we would say "yes" to GOD given the same opportunity...

mary, did you know...did she...do we...

catching up

i've missed a few days...i traveled to dc on tuesday...i was grateful to see snow showers and for a little detour that led me through a litlte old town all lit up for christmas...and for the houses every so often that would appear in the darkness, decorated with christmas lights...it gave me such joy...

wednesday, i was able to see a bunch of people, which was good...i always feel like i don't have enough time to see people and i feel like they get hurt...it's just that i am one person and can only do so much...it was nice to get to at least see a bunch of people in one day and even though most of them i only talked to for five minutes, it was better than nothing...

today was amazing! my friend was off all day and we had a yummy breakfast, went shopping most of the day, had a steak dinner, cheesecake factory for dessert...drove around looking at christmas lights and then watched "the lemondrop kid" (a favorite holiday movie)...such a lovely day...didn't know how much i needed a day like today until looking back on it just now...

my cup runneth over...

monday monday little happy happy

grateful that GOD is with us...

i have been reflecting during this Advent season on Emmanuel::GOD with us...

if we really consider the implications of that...all the power of GOD is with us...

i read somewhere that someone said we are far too satisfied seeking the shadows and not the object...meaning...we seek the things GOD can give us and not GOD himself...and i've been thinking how futile chasing shadows can be...they are flighty...they move and change with the light, with the seasons and even as the object casting them changes...

isn't that true of anything we could seek above GOD...all blessings we could think to ask for or desire are changeable and changing...they may be good and we may need them and want them and even get them...but if we are seeking them above the GOD who gives them, we will never be satisfied...we will always be chasing...

so this Advent season, i am hoping to seek more of the GOD who is with us and not the shadows...

dont give up

read this blog a moment ago...it was encouraging to me...

http://blog.compassion.com/waiting-in-faith-god-hasn%E2%80%99t-given-up-on-you/?utm_source=twitter.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=tweet


Habakkuk 2

1 I will stand at my watch and station myself on the ramparts; I will look to see what he will say to me, and what answer I am to give to this complaint.[a]
The LORD’s Answer 2 Then the LORD replied:
“Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald[b] may run with it. 3 For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it[c] will certainly come and will not delay.

::lighthouses::

(image from pinterest.com)

i saw this image as i was browsing through the pinterest site...

i started thinking about how we all need people in our lives who are lighthouses...the beacons that remain steady, even as we are setting sail for the greatest of adventures...they shine their light and guide us home...protect us from danger...give us hope...

no matter how strong we are (and we are made of some stern stuff, you and i)...we need someitmes to rest in another's strength...we need the steadying hand of a friend...we need to be reminded that we can make it...when we are about to give up, to have someone who will hold the light and shout to us "you're almost there...keep trying...you can make it!"

do you have a friend like that in your life? be grateful. if not, be on the lookout for one. are you that for someone...if not...turn on your light and get to shining...

sunday's little happy

grateful for lazy days...for the chance to bake some goodies...for a GOD who is up to something GOOD! :-)

thankful today for::

grateful for friends who check on me and care what's happening in my life...not the ones who call or contact cause they want something...the ones who just need to make sure my life is good...who just want to connect...

grateful for a decisive win over auburn...for trent richardson having a stellar game, as it improves his heisman bid and out bid for a rematch for the national title...

grateful for skype and the ability to talk to someone and see their face...that's a pretty cool thing...

"oh well's"

i read today "better to have a life of 'oh well's' than a life of 'what if's"...

and as much heartache as i have experienced by taking chances on life...on opportunities...on people...i have to say, i'd rather have taken the chances than look back wonder what might have been if i had been willing to risk something...

we run scared, us humans...scared to happy as much as sad...and i think we're more scared of success than failure, to be honest...and that fear disguises itself as logic, as reason, as practicality...it tells us that we are being smart not to take the risks...that we are better off safe...

but are we?

at what cost?

we could be missing out on the most amazing thing to ever come into our life and the only thing keeping us from it is our refusal to take a chance...to try...our fear...

i don't know about you, but i'll side with the risk-taking dreamer every time...the odds are historically in their favor...and i believe GOD is on their side...

so what the storm is raging...so what you can't swim, you're afraid you'll drown...so what it's the craziest thing to step out of a boat into a tempestuous sea...peter did it and walked on water...i think i'd like to do a little walking, too...

that name

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuuLBPOYcI8


Your Great Name::Natalie Grant

[Verse 1:]Lost are saved; find their way; at the sound of Your great name All condemned; feel no shame, at the sound of Your great name Every fear; has no place; at the sound of Your great name The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of Your great name [Chorus:]Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man You are high and lifted up; and all the world will praise Your great name [Verse 2:]All the weak; find their strength; at the sound of Your great name Hungry souls; receive grace; at the sound of Your great name The fatherless; they find their rest; at the sound of Your great name Sick are healed; and the dead are raised; at the sound of Your great name [Chorus:]Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man You are high and lifted up; and all the world will praise Your great name [Bridge:]Redeemer, My Healer, Lord Almighty My savior, Defender, You are My King [Chorus:]Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man You are high and lifted up; and all the world will praise Your great name


very powerful lyrics...really good song...i think about all the things you or i may be facing and there is one answer::jesus...and that name...that name has power...i think back to when i was little and my dad taught me the song "there's just something about that name" and we would sing it whenever i was scared or worried...when i had my accident at 16 yrs old...it was the song i sang as i lay on the side of the road...and as i was being taken back for the cat-scan and for surgery...the name of jesus is healing...it is powerful...it is life-changing...

i speak it over your life and over my life and over every situation we are facing...that precious name...above all others...against which no one and nothing can stand...the final word in every problem and plan...

jesus...jesus...jesus

black friday thanks

grateful for a lovely day...went to the Christmas tree farm with my whole family...had fun...found great trees...had lunch with my bro, sis-n-law and one of my nephews...fun afternoon...yummy dinner...movie nite...just a lovely day

thankful::catching up

i think i missed yesterday::thankful to still have my grandmother with us and to have so many wonderful memories of times spent with her

today's little happy::thankful again for the time i got to spend thanksgiving in nyc and all the amazing memories from that...thankful to get to watch the parade on tv...thankful for yummy food...thankful that God is at work

perspective on conflict

read this here:: http://churchconstructionblog.com/2011/06/15/2-things-i-love-about-conflict/

thought there were some good points...love the different perspective...i tend to be a peacemaker...or maybe that would be better termed a peace seeker...i long for peace in my core relationships...if there is not peace...if things aren't right...it makes me feel that my whole life is off-kilter...i realize there is a balance to be found, as either extreme can cause chaos and confusion...meltdown and disfunction...

anyway...some good thoughts below...chew on this a bit while you settle down from the feasting of the day...

Proverbs 17:9

“Overlook an offense and bond a friendship; fasten on to a slight and-good-bye, friend!” Message

I’ve always gravitated toward conflict. I’m not saying it brings alot of peace to my life, I just gravitate toward it. As I’m entering a new decade of my life I’ve been pondering truths about myself. The way I handle conflict is one of them.

There are two things that draw me toward challenging people situations. Problem solving and relationships.

• Problem Solving – I love to figure things out, to know how stuff works. It’s a gift God gave me that sometimes keeps me from sleeping at night because there is no “off” button. But I love finding solutions.
• Relationships – I’m finding some of my closest relationships have been tested by fire. The wisest counsel I get TODAY is from the people I’ve experienced the greatest conflict with in THE PAST.

Andy Stanley says “there is often a gap between expectations and reality. You can choose to fill it with trust or suspicion.” My calling is raught with conflict. The nature of the work I do consulting on church construction projects constantly requires the setting and re-setting of expectations. I’m finding the best perspective comes when I see conflict as an opportunity to take a relationship to a deep level. Conflict has the potential to destroy relationship, or conflict can bring us into an enviornment of grace where we work with, for , and on each other.

What conflict can you leverage right now?

yesterday's missed little happy

grateful for interactions with my nephews...sweet boys...good times

little happy::nov 21

choosing to be grateful that God is on the throne and he is in control...

a season of insanity::the collective sigh

it seems so many people are enduring a season of insanity...by that, i mean, things going badly in seemingly random and sudden ways...people trying to follow their path and meeting roadblocks...even people having relationships just suddenly change when the other person flakes out or gets angry or leaves, for no known or understandable reason...

i feel the collective sigh of a weary world...the past two days almost everyone i encountered had a story of some woe...it's not that i was around a bunch of whiners...these were genuine troubles from confused and hurting people...

a family with one angry child now claiming to be an atheist and trying to get their young siblings swayed to their worldview...a child having a very tough time adjusting in school and getting in trouble all the time and failing in their classes, but so obviously hurting and in need of help...

a woman who burst into tears as she hugged me and told me she had been and was in the darkest period of her life...that she didn't want to leave the house or see anyone...i cried right along with her...her pain was so palpable...i knew a little of what that feels like...longing for relief from the dark night of the soul...

everything being shaken...

everyone...everything longing for relief...for hope...for answers...for help...

and so we say with the psalmist, "i will lift up mine eyes unto the hills...from whence cometh my help? my help comes from the LORD, the maker of heaven and earth." ... "give us help, oh God, for vain is the help of men."

Papa...please bless these hurting people...this suffering world. Grant us peace. Give us deliverence. If you will not work on our behalf, there is no hope. So, please look down in mercy and bring breakthroughs in these situations...bring relief. Take this suffering from us all and give us JOY. Amen.

so today...

well...today has been a challenge...i didn't really sleep at all last night, so i started my day exhausted and with a fog kinda hanging over my head and a heaviness hovering around my heart...some of the fears and discouragements i've been battling lately were looming large...

funny how they cast such a long shadow...full of evil foreboding...but i am reminded that they are only the shadows of things...and shadows themselves, when we cannot actually see the object from which they are being projected, can take on ghastly forms very unlike their actual sources...put simply...we can believe that what we are seeing is truly awful, when in fact, it isn't that bad...but whatever the case, we are promised that though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we can fear no evil for God is with us...and he makes a feast for us in the very presence of our enemies...now that's quite a scene to set...people intending us harm (enemies) all around us and God's throwing a party...

so today, i am choosing gratefulness...choosing to believe that God's promises are true and that he will not...he cannot fail me...and that all things are coming together for good...my breakthrough is coming...

PSALM 4

1 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness! You have relieved me in my distress; Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer. 2 How long, O you sons of men, Will you turn my glory to shame? How long will you love worthlessness And seek falsehood? Selah 3 But know that the LORD has set apart[a] for Himself him who is godly; The LORD will hear when I call to Him. 4 Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah 5 Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, And put your trust in the LORD. 6 There are many who say, “Who will show us any good?” LORD, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us. 7 You have put gladness in my heart, More than in the season that their grain and wine increased. 8 I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; For You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

today::

grateful for the moments when my nephews say something or do something unexpected and i know that they love me...and we bond...sweet boys!

wait for::hope for::expect

Psalm 27

13[What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living! (another version says, 'i had fainted unless i believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.')
14Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.

one day::many little happies

grateful for a sermon series my mom found for me on overcoming fear...i have been under INTENSE fear attacks lately...i have never experienced anything like it before...these messages were very practical and encouraging...and hugely helpful...

grateful for my dad going to nashville with me today...i know i'm all ms. independant, but i get very tired of doing things by myself...it was nice to have the company...and to show dad some of the city that might be my new home...

grateful to meet up with a gal that i only met maybe a month ago...it's nice to know that if i end up in nashville, i will know at least one gal...

grateful that the admissions person at the school i am considering was super excited at the prospect of me coming there...and was genuinely interested in me as a person...really helpful and kind...

little happy::second and third and fourth and...

grateful for second and third and fourth and...you get the idea...chances...that God is a restorer...that God makes promises to turn things around in our lives...even the things we've screwed up...he doesn't say, "well, you got yourself into this mess, go ahead and get yourself out."...but his mercies are new every morning...it says he remembers our sins no more...as far as the east is from the west so far has he removed our transgressions from us...that he has not dealt with us according to our sins or rewarded us according to our iniquities, but he pities us like a father pities his children...that he remembers we are just dust...

i have messed up so many things in my life...even willfully chosen wrong...i can list my reasons, but none of them are good enough to excuse the things i've done or thought or said or believed...

but God...in his mercy looks at me as perfected...he forgives...he cleanses and he lets me start over...

tears pour down my cheeks as i type this...because i need so many do-overs in my life...so many things i've messed up...things that seem irreparable...but nothing is impossible with God...

some verses::

Isaiah 61
The Year of the LORD’s Favor 1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a] 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. 5 Strangers will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. 6 And you will be called priests of the LORD, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast.
7 Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.
8 “For I, the LORD, love justice; I hate robbery and wrongdoing. In my faithfulness I will reward my people and make an everlasting covenant with them. 9 Their descendants will be known among the nations and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the LORD has blessed.”
10 I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. 11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.


Joel 2:25 “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten— the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm[b]— my great army that I sent among you. 26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed. 27 Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the LORD your God, and that there is no other; never again will my people be shamed.

grateful 2

grateful for God allowing me to get to a place where i am utterly helpless...where i am backed up to a sea of challange...because now i get to watch him show up big time to make a way...he is about to show his mighty power to save...and i am excited to see the BIG work he does!!!

grateful today...

since it is midday and i am expecting even better things in the second half of my day...there may be two little happy posts today (i am working on optimism, faith and hope)

but...

grateful for beautiful words..language...writing...a well-written phrase can absolutely make my day...i've been known to cry over something just because it was so well-written...words have power and those who have the gift for directing that power into a well-turned phrase have my utmost admiration and gratitude...

in ancient times, when a village or tribe's dancers moved in ways that were transcendant, the people would shout some of the earliest forms of "bravo"...and their original meanings were, "i see God in you"...

so i say "bravo" to beautiful writing and language...i see God in you...

practice resurrection...

i have always thought there was so much wisdom to be gleened from this piece...dig deep...it's there...

Manifesto:The Mad Farmer Liberation Front

by Wendell Berry


Love the quick profit, the annual raise,vacation with pay. Want more of everything ready-made. Be afraid to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head. Not even your future will be a mystery any more. Your mind will be punched in a card and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something they will call you. When they want you to die for profit they will let you know. So, friends, every day do something that won't compute. Love the Lord. Love the world. Work for nothing. Take all that you have and be poor. Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace the flag. Hope to live in that free republic for which it stands. Give your approval to all you cannotunderstand. Praise ignorance, for what man has not encountered he has not destroyed.
Ask the questions that have no answers. Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias. Say that your main crop is the forest that you did not plant, that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested when they have rotted into the mold.Call that profit. Prophesy such returns. Put your faith in the two inches of humus that will build under the trees every thousand years.
Listen to carrion -- put your ear close, and hear the faint chattering of the songs that are to come. Expect the end of the world. Laugh. Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful though you have considered all the facts. So long as women do not go cheap for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy a woman satisfied to bear a child? Will this disturb the sleep of a woman near to giving birth?
Go with your love to the fields. Lie down in the shade. Rest your head in her lap. Swear allegiance to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos can predict the motions of your mind, lose it. Leave it as a sign to mark the false trail, the way you didn't go.
Be like the fox who makes more tracks than necessary, some in the wrong direction. Practice resurrection.


"Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front" from The Country of Marriage, copyright ® 1973 by Wendell Berry, reprinted by permission of Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, Inc.

choosing happy

today has been a tough day emotionally...well, it started last night...waves of emotions...and so to think of a thankfulness...well, it's tough...

but i am trying to learn from the children of israel in their ridiculously long trek through the desert to the promised land...that every time i come to a place that seems hopeless, discouraging, fearful, etc...if i murmer and complain, am i not risking being sent back out in the desert to wander a little longer? maybe not, but it sure seems that way...

so i am trying to release all of these situations to God...to the One who makes a way through the waters...the One who can lead me through on dry land...

and i am trying to remember that pharoah said "NO" a lot before he let the people go and even then he chased them down...but God had the final word and made a way...

so today, i am thankful for a God who makes a way in the desert...to the One who calls those things which are not as though they were...to the One who has the final say in it all...

.::FEARLESS::.

http://www.crosspoint.tv/media/better-days/

this is a good one....click on the "fearless" topic...week 4

more little happies...

yesterday:: having a gal who i taught in various capacities since she was about 2 yrs old come running across the room when she saw me, jump into my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist and just hug me tight for a while (at around 12 yrs old, she is nearly as tall as i am now)...it meant so much to be missed and loved, not because of ego as much as impact...to know that i had left such an impression with her...that she knew she was loved and was free to just be herself...it was precious...

today:: grateful when remembering my magical trip to nyc a few years back for the macy's thanksgiving day parade...every part of that trip exceeding my wildest dreams...that's a special and treasured memory...

playing catch-up::little happies

yesterday::that God knows what is going on in my story, even though it looks like things are falling apart...

today::thankful for answered prayers and hope...

SO needed to hear this!!!

http://www.joycemeyer.org/BroadcastHome.aspx?video=The_Silent_Years_–_Pt_2


"while i'm here going through this mess, little do i know it, but God is coming"...

"you may be in the biggest mess you've ever been in in your life and you may not can see God coming, but honey you will know for sure when he's been there!" ...

"i can't tell you exactly when, but i can tell you it will probably happen suddenly" ...

"don't quit and don't give up...every day of your life when you get up say...i've got a suddenly coming in my life today" ...

"God likes to do things in secret...paul and silas were in jail and at midnite::suddenly!...the woman with the issue of blood, bled for 15 yrs and then::suddenly...and you've got a suddenly, too!" ...

"in the regions of mystery...in darkness...he puts his hand on us...he forms us and shapes us...you don't know what God is doing right now...but i can tell you God is working and the birth will come...and i might add the worst pain is right before you get the biggest breakthrough!" ...

today's little happy...

http://us2.campaign-archive1.com/?u=bed511e434184985961d50fcb&id=e902db98b0 (you will have to copy and paste this link...sorry)

grateful for the "and peter" moments in my life...the times when i feel like a failure...like i've made a mess of things or that things are in shambles around me and everything is going wrong and it is beyond my abilities to make it right...

and God comes in with a story of resurrection...a story too wonderful to be true...a story of death becoming life and he says "hurry...go tell the disciples...and peter..."

especially peter...cause he needs to know that nothing in this life is irreparable...because God has conquered death...is anything too hard for him?!

today's little happy

grateful for getting to talk to my sister-friend katy~* last night as i was driving back from nashville...it was a much needed catch-up time for us...

missed yesterday::here it is::little happy

grateful for reconciliation..that our God is a restorer...a healer...a repairer of the broken places...when God mends...the stitches with which he binds up that which is torn are of the finest handiwork and themselves a beautiful work of art...

another little happy

grateful today for the promises of God...the messages he gives us that we can hold to and count on...

the waiting is the hardest part...

tom petty wasn't kidding when he sang those lyrics...

it's tough to wait.

it's tough to wait with hope when things seem to stay the same or get worse.

not knowing.

maybe it boils down to not being in control of a situation or situations that makes waiting so difficult. you're afraid the delay means you're not going to get the outcome you are hoping for and knowing there's nothing you can do about it but wait for it...well...it's hard.

i feel like i have been waiting for some things in my life for years. some for only weeks. but it seems that in the waiting, i am restless...worries and what-ifs buzz around my head like gnats on a sticky summer afternoon.

everything, it seems, is a big question mark...in some cases, an open-ended question with no answer in sight...where am i going to school...where will i live...how will i afford it...will i do well...what is going to happen in other situations...am i in for heartbreak and disappointment...i sure hope not, but i fear it.

and i think really...it's a matter of not really believing that God wants to love me and do good to me...to bless me and show me favor. it's a deeper theological wrestling of mind, soul, spirit than just do i believe that God is good, kind, loving, etc...it is will he prove to be those things to me...will he intervene and bring good things into my life...not in the sovereign sense of "we must accept that all things eventually work for our good"...but in the very real, tangible "wow! this is amazing!" blessing of this present moment. i know we need both. i just feel i need more of the latter to balance things out.

and there's the thing...what i know...what i believe...what i can control...and maybe the real frustration is that God is not tame...that he is mystery...and a bit of a wild card at times...we don't know what he will do...

but wouldn't it then be just as easy to believe he's gonna go off and surprise us with awesome goodness instead of shocking sadness?

"you take it on faith...you take it to the heart...but the waiting in the hardest part"

another little happy

grateful today for fresh foods...i started my day by making a frittata with fresh spinach, green onions, grape tomatoes, mozzarella, sea salt and fresh ground pepper...it reminded me how much i love fresh food...simple dishes with the freshest possible ingredients are good for the soul, as much as for the appetite...

yesterday's little happy

yesterday:: grateful for the reminder of the wonder of childhood...my nephew came in yesterday morning calling the low-lying fog that filled the yard "frog dust" and telling an elaborate story about it...reminded how we need to take our eyes off of our very "logical" way of looking at the world and realize that God told us unless we approach it as a little child, we will not understand...we will not understand that God is at work in the world, raising dead things to life...calling those things "which are not" as though they were...speaking things into existence...that even what seems humanly impossible or even just unlikely is more than possible for God...and that there is a veil between two worlds that gets brushed aside every once in a while for those with childlike eyes who can look around them and see that fog is really "frog dust"

little happy::november 4th

grateful for the little things. sometimes i get so busy that i miss them. today...i am grateful.

some words of wisdom i've collected recently

"God never gives us a recipe for life; He just gives us Himself and says to be careful about what else we add to it." Bob Goff

"What if the life you really want, and the future God wants for you, is hiding right now in your biggest problem, your worst failure…your greatest fear?" M. Batterson

"We're messed up and we come from messed up but God is bigger than messed up and God works through the mess to bring salvation. So don't buy the lie tonite that you are too far gone for God to restore your life to the beauty that he's been dreaming about. There is not too much water under the bridge. He'll build a new bridge at the stream. There is not too much damage been done because God speaks things into existence out of nothing and he can recreate what the locusts have eaten. God is not finished. There is no story in this building that puts him off...Christ says, 'I am not offended by your story...I'm not looking at you going, 'Too bad you've burned too many bridges.' I can restore you and I can bring you back and put you in the place that God wants you to be.' God is always at work. When crazy, messed-up, jacked-up stuff is going on, God is still at work." Louie Giglio

that last one had me crying big time when i listened to that sermon...because i have been through and am still in some crazy, messed-up, jacked-up seemingly hopeless stuff and it is good to remember that God is still at work and he is always working for his glory and for our good...all the time, every time...God is always working.

little happy::november 3rd

grateful for my friend ginnie and the other fc-4 gals...for the time we had and the lifelong friendships formed...ginnie and her hubby got their visas today and are officially moving to spain in january...been thinking of the blessing of having her in my life...

a whole month of thankful...

i have noticed several people have gotten on the bandwagon of posted thanks every day in november...thought it was a good idea...i'm going to do that...right now, i am going to do that retroactively and then you can watch this blog to see a new post each day...ah-one annah-two annah-way we gooooo....

november 1:: grateful for a place to stay in nashville so i could go and check out a school...grateful for the new friends who opened their home and included me in their life...

november 2:: grateful to be able to see several people i knew from dc...to spend time with them and hear about their lives...grateful to pick up without missing a beat...

new post next for today's little happy...

hope

Lamentations 3

Hope in the Lord’s Faithfulness


1 I am the one who has seen the afflictions that come from the rod of the Lord’s anger. 2 He has led me into darkness, shutting out all light. 3 He has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long.
4 He has made my skin and flesh grow old. He has broken my bones. 5 He has besieged and surrounded me with anguish and distress. 6 He has buried me in a dark place, like those long dead.
7 He has walled me in, and I cannot escape. He has bound me in heavy chains. 8 And though I cry and shout, he has shut out my prayers. 9 He has blocked my way with a high stone wall; he has made my road crooked.
10 He has hidden like a bear or a lion, waiting to attack me. 11 He has dragged me off the path and torn me in pieces, leaving me helpless and devastated. 12 He has drawn his bow and made me the target for his arrows.
13 He shot his arrows deep into my heart. 14 My own people laugh at me. All day long they sing their mocking songs. 15 He has filled me with bitterness and given me a bitter cup of sorrow to drink.
16 He has made me chew on gravel. He has rolled me in the dust. 17 Peace has been stripped away, and I have forgotten what prosperity is. 18 I cry out, “My splendor is gone! Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!”
19 The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words.[a] 20 I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. 21 Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this:
22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends![b] His mercies never cease. 23 Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. 24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!”
25 The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. 26 So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord. 27 And it is good for people to submit at an early age to the yoke of his discipline:
28 Let them sit alone in silence beneath the Lord’s demands. 29 Let them lie face down in the dust, for there may be hope at last. 30 Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them and accept the insults of their enemies.
31 For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever.

reconciliation

Matthew 5:23-24: "Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar of whole burnt-offerings and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave there your gift before the altar of the whole burnt-offerings and be going away. First be reconciled to your brother, and then, having come, be offering your gift."

God holds reconciliation and unity in such high esteem that we are told to leave the altar and make things right with our brothers, sisters...our friends. Seems like God is more interested in our unity than our sacrifice.

Who do you need to be reconciled with...who do you need to make things right with...we should fight for friendships...and cherish unity and hold reconciliation in high esteem! We should be willing to do whatever it takes to restore our friendships. We should learn to finish well.

trials...pain...and...waiting

i have to confess that i have failed many a test when it comes to the trials and pain i have encountered over the last several years...i used to be pretty good at this waiting and trust thing...i used to be a cock-eyed optimist...things didn't ruffle my feathers much...i was a joyful person...i was an encourager...

it's been a tough bunch of years...i've seen a lot of shocking and sudden disappointments and falling apart of so many things in my life...people suddenly changing and shutting me out...friendships gone without reason or explanation...dreams crushed...but that is not why i am posting...

i am writing because i realized today that i have failed...failed to respond well to all of these challenges...failed to walk in peace...to trust...to believe...i've failed to offer hope to anyone in the midst of my trials...i've exhibited hopelessness and despair...i have fainted in the day of adversity...my strength has been small...

and i am grieved that i had these opportunities to shine...to show forth hope...light in the darkness and i have chosen to sit in the pit and stay stuck in the miry clay...

but...

this is my hope::

Psalm 40[a] For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him.
4 Blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.[b] 5 Many, LORD my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire— but my ears you have opened[c]— burnt offerings and sin offerings[d] you did not require. 7 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll.[e] 8 I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart.”
9 I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, LORD, as you know. 10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help. I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, LORD; may your love and faithfulness always protect me. 12 For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. 13 Be pleased to save me, LORD; come quickly, LORD, to help me.
14 May all who want to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. 15 May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!” be appalled at their own shame. 16 But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who long for your saving help always say, “The LORD is great!”
17 But as for me, I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; you are my God, do not delay.

i want to move forward from here and cultivate hope and patience in waiting...i want to shine...so that no matter what comes my way, i will still have a song in my mouth that will encourage rather than despair...i want to take back my joy...and i want it to spill out all over everyone around me...

an update

so...in the last few weeks, i have called schools and visited schools and narrowed down schools and so forth and so on...i have not slept more than a few hours except for maybe one night...and it has felt as if every part of my life was either in utter chaos and turmoil or was falling apart on me for no apparent reason...to be honest, i have been ready to just give up altogether...

i had hoped to start in november, but after visiting the last two schools on my list and trying to crunch numbers to see how i could possibly make it work, i came to the realization that trying to force things was only going to end up in disaster...

so, i will be waiting until january to start school and here are the contenders::


atlanta school of aesthetics which has a medical focus, great equipment, wonderful faculty (i met every one of them and the owner on my visit) and the students seem happy...drawbacks are the cost and the part time schedule is not really condusive to working or living...

aveda school dc which is aveda (big plus) and by far the least expensive and the shortest of all the part time programs...drawbacks are it's downtown location (a metro ride every nite)...the fact the classes are evening...and originally i was worried that working all day and then metro'ing in to school all nite would be the death of me, but in rethinking my plans, i think i could get enough money from my loans to cover my living expenses...take on a few dance students and make it happen...

paul mitchell school nashville which i have not toured yet, but will look at on tuesday...i would not go here if my friend is not going to be moving to the area...lame, i know, but i desperately need the support of stable, safe, loyal, trustworthy friends who i can count on to be there and i don't want to move somewhere i will not have that...


so kids, that's the latest...hoping to know something by the middle of the month...ready for good things that stick...ready to be able to have something good in my life that will just get better and not worse for a change...cautiously optimistic...

"It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things."

Donald Miller

this is rad

http://www.passioncitychurch.com/watch/#20110918

i stumbled across this...not sure how, even...but something's going on...don't know quite what, yet...but...it's got my attention...

insomnia=new blog post

i am awake...wide awake...it seems this is becoming a not-so-great new habit of mine...i've had only one good night's sleep in about a week's time...and so, kids...this means you're gettin' a new blog!

some of you know i've toyed with the idea of becoming a professional makeup artist for years...recently, in the time that i have had to be away, i've been able to think...a lot...sometimes too much...the idea that i should look into makeup and esthetics training as a serious move on my part began to be more persistent than just a passing thought...so, i began to research schools in the southeast and sort of "put the feelers out."

in the last month, i began to really make phone calls to schools and do extensive research...after many closed doors (either the schools no longer offered esthetics or they didn't offer night classes or they were too expensive...or all the above)...i have finally narrowed it down to a few schools in the southeast that i need to actually visit and see which one might be a good fit...

most of the programs would start in november and run a max of one year...and then, after passing my licensing exam, i could actually have a real job...imagine that!

so i am cautiously optimistic about all of this...fighting the fears of things ending in disappointment as they have so often seemed to do for me in the past...but moving forward and hoping...praying that this would be something really wonderful for me...and a good path for my future...

upside down is right side up and other revelations

so over the course of...well, if i am being honest here, years...i have been struggling...hmmm...maybe wrestling is a better term...trying to reconcile what i had heard about religion, faith, God, life, people, right and wrong and everything in between...trying to understand God and Jesus and Faith and how all of those things fit into my life or more importantly how my life fit into those realities...

i've read books...listened to speakers (of all faiths, backgrounds, religions and non-religions)...i've cried and prayed and screamed and kept silent and pondered...i've tried and failed...had times of striving and times of doing nothing...

donald miller wrote, "i began to believe the christian faith was a religious system invented within the human story rather than a series of true ideas that explained the story." that resonates with me...

i was wanting to know...to understand the why's of so many deeper questions and challenges...wanting to really find the God i'd been told and believed is Good and Loving...wanting redemption...wanting purpose...wanting...LIFE...

saint francis of assisi once said, "true progress quietly and persistently moves along without notice." and i believe that is what has been taking place in my life...a progress that has been moving along quietly...on the surface it seemed to be a very stormy process...but underneath it all...in the stillness of my soul, the progress has been there...the changing...the solidifying...the LIFE...the faintest spark being fanned into flame by the loving persistence of God...

there was a time i thought i knew it all...had the handle on the truth of God...and in the faithfulness of testing and hardship...in the crushing blows of rejection, defeat, disillusionment and disappointment, i found that i knew nothing, really...because if the truth that we know cannot withstand the hardships and the questioning, perhaps it is not truth we know, but opinion we have formed, that we have donned like a sassy new coat that looks fantastic, but doesn't keep us warm in the harshness of winters's chill...

i decided to study the life of Jesus...as much as i could to understand this central figure in the faith of my fathers, so to speak...and i found that i fell in love with a radical man...one who caused trouble by being kind...whose very existence rattled people, even when he wasn't saying a word...he spoke of an upside down world...about loving those who hate...about being a peacemaker...a world of opposites, which flew in the face of every rational thought of society and made the best of that culture look like a filthy thing...

and then i began to rattle cages...just by asking questions...it was funny that the people who hated the questions were the people who were supposed to be following the same Jesus i was talking about...for some, i was an annoying gnat, buzzing around and they just swatted at me and walked away...for some i was a dangerous bug to be crushed...too radical...not educated enough to really understand such a grand concept as Jesus (even though the band of men Jesus called his disciples were a bunch of blue-collar, rough-around-the-edges societal outcasts)...

but in all of this, my greater struggle was with hopelessness...when every area of your life seems to fall apart suddenly, without warning over and over again with alarming predictability, it's hard to believe that a Good God loves you...and that a God who is Able to do anything would sit back and do nothing...i questioned whether i was maybe the "esau God hated" and struggled to find the magic button to push...the perfect thing to say or do that would turn the tide in my favor...i longed for direction and purpose and found every bit of light i ran toward ended up being a train that flattened me...

deep down, i know that i believed that God was Good and that God loved me...i just wanted out of all of the pain...i just wanted a happy that would "stick"...

it took an auto accident to "ground me"...to make me stop, be still and listen...to get me quiet enough to hear God whisper...

there is a phenomenon called "spacial disorientation" which causes many unseasoned pilots to crash...they ignore their instruments which are accurately reporting the plane's position and fly based on their feelings...

this was me...all the circumstances of my life were causing me to think my "plane" was out of control...that i needed to find stability...that bad was good and good was bad and i lost perspective and direction and worst of all, hope...

the auto accident caused me to see how God was taking care of me...ordering my steps...caused me to be reminded of the very dear people in my life...to allow myself to be loved and cared for...to allow myself to stop...to just be still...to find God's presence in my life...and to allow myself to be healed...and to be reconciled...to see the smile of God in the sun on my face and the love of God in the hands of a friend...

to breathe deeply...to rest completely...to smile from the inside, out...

my story is unfolding just as it should...crazy as it may seem, at times...it is woven with happy and sad and glory and failure...triumph and tragedy...but if it is to be an epic story, it must contain all of these elements...for the joy is in the overcoming...

my story is not finished, though the pages turn faster than i would like, at times...i think it will take a chapter or two to learn to trust my "instruments" and fly with confidence...but i am learning upside down is really right side up and God is Good and my story will be beautiful yet...

car accidents...waiting...caretakers

headed to atlanta last saturday for a visit...it was in the plans to head to dc on monday...car accident on saturday night sidelined me in atlanta until wednesday night...no major physical injuries...but left me with lots of time to try to think (even though my brain kinda shut down on me for a while)...

thought a lot about waiting...waiting for direction...waiting for change...waiting for dreams...about how life is really made up of lots of beautiful small moments...strung together by this thread we call time...and those magical moments, though fleeting, are there to remind us that the suffering...the hardships...the longing for something we don't know were not how it was supposed to be...that we are living in a broken world...and the collective sigh of humanity is for redemption...for healing...

and we wait...for the small moments to meld together and become our one big reality and then mope around in disillusionment when they don't...but they're not going to...the secret is in cherishing, living, diving in and drenching ourselves in the little moments...

and so, as i waited in atlanta for my body and soul to catch up on rest...and for news of my car...i also enjoyed the small moments...and kindnesses of dear people in my life...grateful for the support, sanity and care that were being lavished upon me with tenderness and grace...for the friend who kept calling, worried that my texts didn't sound like me...for the persistence of those who insisted on me letting myself be cared for...savoring a glass of iced (counter culture) coffee...lying in the sun in a local park...yummy thai food...movies...music...conversations and silences...

taking stock of it all...i was filled up...filled up with the beauty of the gift of such a wonderfully full amazing life...made so by the dear people in it and the small moments of quietness and peace...it's a remarkable thing when you think of it...that our lives could be so full of wonder and we miss it more than we see it...

so...look around...find the small things...and cherish them...think of the true people in your life...solid gold...and treasure them...breathe deeply and fill your soul with the dizzying sweetness of it...your best life is right here...right now...

..:i am on a journey:..

sabbatical

many of you know i put my stuff in storage and have been taking a sabbatical for the month of august...i've been telling people i'm homeless which is a statement weighted about its neck with the millstones of many emotions...

there is a freedom in having nowhere to go and therefore everywhere to go...there is a longing for the happyness of a settled life...and a mysterious sadness for something not yet found...fears that i will never find my way...and fears that i will settle and get stuck in some place i will come to resent and regret...

the lessons are really only the hints of lessons...strange vapors that wrap around my heart and mind and whisper stories and thoughts and hopes and dreams and discoveries and condemnations...mometary clarity and nothing more...i know less now than when i started and i didn't start with all that much...

what in me stirs this dissatisfaction...what keeps me longing for something more...i don't know...i've been reading "on the road" by jack kerouac...and except for all the drugs and the sex...i find myself in the story...the longing for home...and search for the place my heart can settle...and the seeming insatiable desire to discover the world, to open my heart wide and drink it all in til i drown in the wonder of it...

i find myself more mindful of the places that have been wrong...the places that though i can't quite put my finger on it, i know that there is a deep sickness in the community...something not true...something not real...like smoke and mirrors...crazy people, if you spend enough time around them, will start to make you question your own sanity...i don't want to go back to those places...

i've reflected on the friendships, or supposed friendships...finding the deep truth of who is a real friend and who was simply using me for whatever they wanted at the time...again...those who make you feel like it's your fault that the friendship faded...those who believe the lies of others about you...those who spread the lies themselves...

and the friendships that have been true...tried by fire and come out shining as pure gold...the people who are thoroughly convinced of my intrinsic value...and who by their loyalty and kindness, have convinced me of their own great value...those who have checked in with me in my journey...reminding me they are praying...those who know how incredibly difficult this time has been, not because i told them, but because they care enough to pay attention and to ask about me...

i have joyed over the deep love of friends and family...and grieved over the betrayal and abandonment of users and frauds...

and i have been battling...waging war against complacency...apathy...trying not to settle for the easiest way...i want the road less traveled...i want this journey of my life to mean something...i don't want to exist in a space...i don't want to simply take up space...and i don't want to just work to fund that kind of existence...

all the great stories are not ones where the main character plods safely and easily along, following the path of least resistance...the great stories find conflict and challenge and the desire for more...the drive to take life by the horns and channel its power...like jacob wrestling with the angel in the desert...refusing to let go until you get the blessing...

so what is my story to be...where is the "happily ever after?"...who knows...i don't...but i gotta believe there's something good coming...i gotta believe if i keep holding on and wrestling through this black night...i will get the blessing...limp and all...

what we need is here...

"horseback on a sunday morning,
harvest over, we taste persimmon
and wild grape, sharp sweet
of summer's end. in time's maze
over the fall fields, we name names
that went west from here, names
that rest on graves. we open
a persimmon seed to find the tree
that stands in promise,
pale, in the seed's marrow.
geese appear high over us,
pass, and the sky closes. abandon
as in love or sleep, holds
them to their way, clear,
in the ancient faith: what we need
is here. and we pray, not
for new earth or heaven, but to be
quiet in heart, and in eye
clear. what we need is here."

wendell berry

this poem has been on my mind alot...i have repeated the last line like a mantra..."what we need is here"...

as i begin my sabbatical month of august...a month of traveling and of reflection...i find my self struggling against the fears of new things...the fears of the unknown...the fears of losing all that is dear to me...but it is the loss of those things that has driven me to take this time...a time to search out home...

i told a friend that it hit me that i was officially homeless...and i let the heaviness and emotion of that pour over me...and then i thought that i've really been in search of a home all along...even while paying rent and calling many places my "own"...

i feel like i have had moments of happiness, pregnant with promise that have fallen apart or been torn from my hands, from my heart, just as i was getting used to the idea that this might be the time i get to just rest in the happiness of something and breathe...and i've grown weary of beating my head against a wall...of having doors slammed in my face...of being abandoned and rejected...and i don't want to try anymore and i don't want to hope and take chances...my heart...my soul...have had enough...

so i decided to put all my stuff in storage and take the month of august to travel and try to find answers...to try to find healing...to try to find home...

but as i prepare for this time and struggle through the goodbyes i've said...the one's i wish i could say and the one's i haven't gotten to say...i am trying to center myself in the moment...i don't want to miss anything because i am too long looking back or too much looking forward...i want to be fully present in every moment of this month...

and wendell berry reminds me that everything i need at this moment is here with me...even the seeds of things that i will need and want in my future...it's all here...right now...and i don't have to find the tree...just water the seeds that are here...

and so i pray to see my way clear...to remember what i need is here...and to find my way out of the deep sadness and weariness of soul and to somehow find my way home...

sometimes i feel like a sparrow

sometimes i feel like a sparrow sold for a penny or two
cause the road i travel was cleared by a fool
and a thief and a charmer they wrote the rules
sometimes i feel like a sparrow

sometimes i feel like a whore who will sell it all for cheap
if it's all that i got cause a girl's got to eat
well, it ain't what i want, but it's all that i see
sometimes i feel like a whore

so, tell me, tell me where do i go
when i'm homesick for the place that never felt like home
now, tell me, tell me where do i go
when i'm lonesome for the arms that left me alone

sometimes i feel like a burden to everyone that i know
and if i could float away i'd come back like snow
well, it ain't all the time, but it's more than you know
sometimes i feel like a burden

sometimes i feel like an anchor on a boat trying to sail away
well, if you could pull me up we could find a better day
well, i swear to you i'm trying to find my way
but sometimes i feel like an anchor

so, tell me, tell me where do i go
when i'm homesick for the place that never felt like home
and tell me, tell me where do i go
when i'm lonesome for the arms that left me alone

cause sometimes i feel like a sparrow sold for a penny or two
cause the road i travel was cleared by a fool
and a theif and a charmer they wrote the rules

sometimes i feel like a sparrow
sometimes i feel like a sparrow
sometimes i feel like a sparrow

lyrics by: kelley mcrae http://www.kelleymcrae.com/

...what ought to be...

we look around at what is...we scan the horizon for the faint glimmer of sunrise...but even in the morning light, through the mist we see it...the utter devastation...the waywardness...the fallen...the heartbreak...the failures...the lies...the corruption...the wars...the violence...the abuse...the pain...we see it in the ravaged land...in the ravaged bodies...the ravaged souls...in the weary, hollow eyes...in the slumped shoulders and the mask of much-too-happy-ness...and we choose...

we choose to see only what is or we choose to see what ought to be...and if we choose to see what ought to be, we choose to be responsible to do something about it...it is not enough to complain about it...it is not enough to have an opinion...we must roll up our sleeves, wade into the muck and mire of what is and begin to create or recreate what ought to be...

this is the work of redemption...it is not pretty...it is not glamorous...and in the midst of it, there are rarely accolades...

yes, it can be thankless work...but it is vital...to bring hope...to bring love...to bring grace...to bring peace, healing and wholeness...out of the hopeless, the unlovely, the unloved...out of the ingracious...out of the battles...out of the wars...out of the sickness of mind, body and soul...

so tell me...do you see it? what ought to be? now roll up your sleeves and get to work making it right...

...man in the parking lot...

(cont from facebook)...and as he walked on i found myself wondering if jesus was kinda like that...just making everybody feel better about life when he walked by...just oozing love and peace and contentment and grace...his heart spillin' out all over everyone he met...

...for the most part, people like that make us feel valued...they make us feel happy...they ease a burden deep within us, that sometimes we don't even know we're luggin' around 'til someone that free comes along and shows us what it really means to live free...

...i think for some people, it makes them uncomfortable...mad, even...cause when you are not free and you're resigned to rattle those chains...you've given up and crawled into a dark corner and pulled the shadows close like a blanket...scared of freedom...scared of happiness...cause it's been so unknown...

...wherever you are in it...i hope you'll think about the man i saw in the parking lot...and i hope, like me, you will determine to be a little more like him...and for me, i think about the jesus i know who was just love...right there, living, breathing, walking around love...not religion...not "church"...LOVE in the flesh...and i hope i can be more like him, too...

...sending a huge hug and lots of love...thanks for reading...

does honesty still exist? do we even care?

i've been thinking about honesty...and integrity...and how their definitions have gotten watered down and their importance is seemingly lost in our cultural climate...

honesty::refusal to lie, steal or deceive in any way; in english the word originally had more to do with honor

integrity::an unimpaired condition; the quality or state of being complete or undivided

looking at the above definitions, i wonder how many of us could use those words to describe ourselves...our friends...anyone with whom we have any amount of interaction

we lie by commission, we lie by omission...we lie, we claim, to protect others...we lie to protect ourselves...we lie, sometimes, without even knowing why...

what would it mean if we were exactly who we are no matter where we are...if every single person who met us could count on us to be real...to be honest...what would it mean if we worked to become trustworthy...no matter what it cost us...

lies are exhausting...living a double life is exhausting...trying to remember who you told what and to keep up whatever appearances you've created is a juggling act that is destined for a disastrous ending...

the only thing in this life we really have is our good name...and, for the most part, we have control over that...

integrity means that we tell people who we are by our words and our actions and that image we create, matches the reality of the person we truly are...

"never separate the life you live from the words you speak." paul wellstone

it is an amazing gift to have someone's trust...we should do everything in our power to not only deserve it...but to guard it...to treat it as the priceless treasure it is...because trust betrayed or lost, even if rebuilt, will always bear the scars of its injuries...

big impact of small things

been thinking a lot about the power of simple gestures and of gratitude...two words "thank you" can make such a difference...when someone does something nice for you, "thank you"...when someone gives you a compliment, "thank you"...when someone supports you, encourages you, is kind to you, "thank you"...i really feel like there is something altogether lacking in our character if we cannot find it in ourselves to say "thank you" for even the smallest thing...

i find myself noticing more and more the little gestures with such a sense of gratefulness...i am almost overwhelmed by it...maybe i am more sensitive, because i have had so many people in my life who i thought were friends treat me with such complete disregard, that when someone takes the time to care about any part of my life, it is a huge thing for me...

it's been surprising the people who heard of the awful storms in alabama and have checked on me to see if my family were ok...that matters and "thank you"...the people who know i have been going through an incredibly challenging time and just offer simple words of encouragement or just take time to spend time with me...that matters and "thank you"...kimberly, who i have never met in person, who collected 13 pillowcases for my dresses for africa project and is mailing them to me...that matters and "thank you"...to anyone who has offered me any kindness...especially, if in my selfishness, i have not said it before, "thank you"...

how we treat each other matters...i hope that i can find more ways, not just to express gratitude, but to live out those "thank you's" every moment of every day...

reflections on lent...

it has not been my habit to give up things for lent every year...not because i did not understand the point, but i haven't always felt compelled to participate in the tradition...

this year, i felt a strong desire to take part in lent...and i struggled to determine what i would give up...i didn't want to randomly choose something like coffee or facebook, in general...because i wanted my participation to profoundly change me...to challenge me...

an idea began to form in my head and then found its way into my heart...an idea that was rooted in an inspiration beyond my natural inclinations...i would stop using my facebook status to write updates about myself and would instead write updates about people (both friends and strangers) who were doing praiseworthy things with their lives...people who were making a difference...

from the very beginning, this new approach forced me to evaluate my own life...if someone else were doing the same thing, would any part of my life merit being written on their facebook status...how was i making a difference?

over the last several weeks, i have discovered just how many remarkable people are doing amazing work in the world...just how many wonderful people i know personally...i have come to see how much beauty there is in people...in life...in my life...

tonite i posted my first update about me...and it felt odd...it felt kind of wrong, like a scratchy, ill-fitting wool coat...i don't know where i will go from here...but i have been changed in ways i, myself, may not fully understand...but i feel like my soul has grown...my heart has grown...

mother teresa...words of wisdom...

"I try to give to the poor people for love what the rich could get for money. No, I wouldn't touch a leper for a thousand pounds; yet I willingly cure him for the love of God."


"I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor?"


"If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one."


"Let us more and more insist on raising funds of love, of kindness, of understanding, of peace. Money will come if we seek first the Kingdom of God - the rest will be given."


"Let us touch the dying, the poor, the lonely and the unwanted according to the graces we have received and let us not be ashamed or slow to do the humble work."


"Our life of poverty is as necessary as the work itself. Only in heaven will we see how much we owe to the poor for helping us to love God better because of them."


"Each one of them is Jesus in disguise."


"I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world."

Beauty Pressure

our culture comes at its girls and women with an onslaught of doctored images of its standard bearers...looks impossible to achieve without a team of experts and some very unhealthy habits... whatever their motivation, i celebrate dove's campaign to raise awareness and money in order to educate girls and women on real beauty... what would happen if we celebrated the females in our soceity for their individuality and the qualities that make them unique...what if we created a counter-culture of confidence and peace with who we are...both inside and out... what if we just let each other off the hook for once...and all took a collective sigh of relief... you are a wonder...a beautiful soul...in a miraculous body...with a light that shines through your eyes and your words...out your fingertips and toes...your only mission in life is to keep that light shining by just being you...oh marvelous and amazing you that you are :-)

the art of coffee...and so much more...

it's one thing to serve some of the best coffee in the dc area...another thing to remember your regular customers and their preferences...both remarkable feats... but to make every single person who comes through your doors feel like they are important and valuable...i mean, as the old song goes, "sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name...and they're always glad you came..." we're all looking to feel like we matter...like we belong...looking for our place... sean makes every single customer feel that way...he's a great example of someone who shines brightly and with that light, brightens the life of every single person he comes in contact with... habatat coffee company has been more than just a place to get a great cup of coffee...in it's short time here in dc, it became a "go-to" place...a place where you could go to recharge...a place where the energy boost lasted long after the caffeine wore off... at any given time, you could find yourself engaged in a conversation about faith, philosophy, sports, music...you would meet total strangers and by the time you finished your coffee, you had a new friend... those things don't just happen...they are the result of someone creating an environment where people feel safe...where they feel at ease...at home... so, i, along with so many others, am so very grateful for habatat...in a very short amount of time, sean has made a difference in so many lives...created a lasting impact...one artfully prepared coffee at a time...

the power of love

dr. king saw injustice and spoke against it...he saw hatred and poured out love...he saw ignorance and he spoke truth...he inspired generations...he reminded us all of our humanity and of our worth...he did not set out to be a huge celebrity...he set out to make a wrong, right... "he who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps perpetrate it." mlk what injustice are you seeing...and actively ignoring? speak out...you could change the world...

to fight without fighting...

lauralee farrer, who is a filmmaker/artist/woman i greatly admire, told a story in a talk she gave to a group of women at her church...i found the story incredibly inspiring...i hope you will, too...

"How do women fight by not fighting, advance simply by not backing down. It reminds me of the mothers of the desaparecidos, which is my butchered Spanish for "the disappeared." For thousands of Argentine families this word symbolizes a truly terrible occurance in the late 70's and early 80's when thousands of dissidents and innocent civilians unconnected with terrorism were kidnapped in the middle of the night, illegally detained, tortured, killed and their bodies hidden---never to be seen again. On a day in 1977, fourteen mothers of young desaparecidos met in the Plaza de Mayo to hand a petition to the President Jorge Rafael Videla. In protest of their disappeared children, they embroidered their childrens' names on white head scarves and stood mutely in the square, embarrassing the government, shaming it and finally toppling it.

Here's how they fought without fighting. When a policeman demanded to see a woman's papers, 300 women stepped forward. If one woman was threatened with arrest, others demanded to go with her. Once in prison, they would start to pray or yell out prayers, calling on God to vent his wrath on their persecutors. It's courageous, it's strategic, it's powerful. And it is female. Videla was ultimately prosecuted for large-scale human rights abuses and crimes against humanity and the world learned about this issue because of those women. They have been gathering every Thursday afternoon since---for 3 decades---once they gathered in protest, now they gather in memorial.

I shall not be moved. Tom Petty sang, "you can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I won't back down." On the surface, in the flesh and blood, those women were standing in silence, there in the public square where they could not be ignored. I see them, armored in light, a long great line, side by side, facing the gates of hell. We may or may not be afraid, but we shall NOT be moved."

i find courage and strength in this story...i hope you do, too...don't give up...no matter how big the opposition, no matter how impossible the situation...it can be conquered...it can be changed...God always gets the last word...

...hope is real...

"...to write love on her arms..."

TWLOHA began because friends cared for a girl, who was addicted to drugs, broken, abused...who saw so little worth in herself, she cut her arms with razors, just to feel...something...

they decided they would help her detox, when the treatment center turned her away...they would walk through the dark nights with her...would love her...would help her understand that hope is possible...that it is real...and that she mattered...

they sold tshirts to pay for her treatment, once she was admitted to a center...they are now a huge non-profit, known worldwide...they are a testament to the desperate need in this world for love...real love...and to the power of hope...

to read more and to support this amazing work: www.twloha.com/vision/story

hope is real...help is possible...you are loved...you matter...

using up your buffalo

i had the privilege of attending an art, music, justice conference at the falls church last spring...i was so particularly impacted by charlie peacock and sara groves, their talent and wisdom...

sara groves really challenged me with her telling of a trip to africa that changed her perspective and the way she lived her life...(partially explained in the video above)...she also talked of watching "dances with wolves" and a scene where the Sioux come up on a herd of hundreds of buffalo, all slaughtered...and how that was irredeemable, because when they killed buffalo, they used every part of it, so as to waste nothing...

she talked of how she wondered, in her own life, if she really was making the best use of her resources, her time, her talent...her buffalo, so to speak...was she using it all up to have the most impact on the world around her...

her honesty really spoke to me and planted the question deep in my heart...am i using up my buffalo? i sure hope so...i know i am trying...thank you, sara groves for allowing yourself to ponder those harder questions and for being transaparent enough to share them with me!

sister-friend~*

i have to be honest...i have been putting this post off...it was inevitible that i would be writing about my katy~*...but words seem so inadequate or maybe i simply lack the skills to express with words just what her friendship means to me...

katy~* would i agree, i think, that she's really the one who pursued friendship with me...i was quite busy at the time we met and didn't have a lot of free time...there was a bit of an age difference with us, which added to the fact that while i thought she was great, i didn't really seek her out...

over the years i have come to appreciate that she listened to her gut and kept inviting me to be a part of her life, because she has become one of the dearest, most precious friends in my life...one who understands me better than most anyone else...who gets me at my core, which is not easy to do, because i, to my discredit, am a very guarded person, to the point people think i don't care about them at all, at times...but...this isn't about me...

my loverly friend is an artist, who has pursued various forms of art, but who is a brilliant photographer, among oh so many other things...she has been diligent to learn her craft, to explore this art form and to find her "voice" in it...to find her vision...i am always amazed (and more than a little jealous) everytime i see something new...her creativity and inventiveness know no bounds...

katy~* is a risk-taker...she will put herself out there and try whatever she has in her heart to try...i say in her heart, because she is not impulsive in her decisions...and she thinks and prays about what she will take on...but whatever she does she does well and with abandon...and i love to see her pour herself into life...

her faith is so very important to her and she has such a tender and sincere heart...she's a pure soul and that cannot be said of many people...i've seen her reach out to those on the fringe...to those others might overlook and help them find their light, because hers shines so brightly...she prays and studies and grows and has a great depth to her life as a result...

i have watched her grow through the years into a beautiful, wise, gracious, fabulous woman...someone i admire...someone i am so grateful to have in my life...she lives her life with intentionality...she is real...she is amazing...

there are so many lists i could make...of her achievements, of her talents, of her wonderful qualities...but it is best, i think, to say that katy~*, my dearest sister-friend~* is a beautiful soul of whom the world is not worthy...

loveyoueversomuch...thank you for sharing your light...