resistance...

"each of us is complex and highly individual, yet there are common recognizable denominators to the creative recovery process. working with this process, i see a certain amount of defiance and giddiness in the first few weeks."

...having undertaken to begin this process, the artist's way, and this being my first week of trying...i have found a sort of odd resistance to it...i won't say there has been for me the giddyness she describes, nor the outright defiance...it has been more of a quiet setting aside of the urgings to actually undertake to write my morning pages and, well, a dam of sorts, right in my very soul...holding me back from even passive involvement in the process, let alone any sort of eager action...

...i am unsure as to whether, underlying it all, there is a doubt this will work...as, it seems, none of my other attempts at a creative recovery have worked...perhaps it is a fear that it will begin to work...of what recovery will really mean to the dailyness of my life...to the false safety...

...tomorrow, i am determined to begin...even the small step of my morning pages...though, at the moment, i feel this would be ever so much easier if i lived in a flat somewhere in italy or paris or new york and could reward myself for writing those much-dreaded "stream-of-consciousness" pages each morning with some crusty bread and strong coffee...

"when we engage in a creative recovery, we enter into a withdrawal process from life as we know it."