trials...pain...and...waiting

i have to confess that i have failed many a test when it comes to the trials and pain i have encountered over the last several years...i used to be pretty good at this waiting and trust thing...i used to be a cock-eyed optimist...things didn't ruffle my feathers much...i was a joyful person...i was an encourager...

it's been a tough bunch of years...i've seen a lot of shocking and sudden disappointments and falling apart of so many things in my life...people suddenly changing and shutting me out...friendships gone without reason or explanation...dreams crushed...but that is not why i am posting...

i am writing because i realized today that i have failed...failed to respond well to all of these challenges...failed to walk in peace...to trust...to believe...i've failed to offer hope to anyone in the midst of my trials...i've exhibited hopelessness and despair...i have fainted in the day of adversity...my strength has been small...

and i am grieved that i had these opportunities to shine...to show forth hope...light in the darkness and i have chosen to sit in the pit and stay stuck in the miry clay...

but...

this is my hope::

Psalm 40[a] For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him.
4 Blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.[b] 5 Many, LORD my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire— but my ears you have opened[c]— burnt offerings and sin offerings[d] you did not require. 7 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll.[e] 8 I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart.”
9 I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, LORD, as you know. 10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help. I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, LORD; may your love and faithfulness always protect me. 12 For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. 13 Be pleased to save me, LORD; come quickly, LORD, to help me.
14 May all who want to take my life be put to shame and confusion; may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace. 15 May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!” be appalled at their own shame. 16 But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who long for your saving help always say, “The LORD is great!”
17 But as for me, I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; you are my God, do not delay.

i want to move forward from here and cultivate hope and patience in waiting...i want to shine...so that no matter what comes my way, i will still have a song in my mouth that will encourage rather than despair...i want to take back my joy...and i want it to spill out all over everyone around me...