the waiting is the hardest part...

tom petty wasn't kidding when he sang those lyrics...

it's tough to wait.

it's tough to wait with hope when things seem to stay the same or get worse.

not knowing.

maybe it boils down to not being in control of a situation or situations that makes waiting so difficult. you're afraid the delay means you're not going to get the outcome you are hoping for and knowing there's nothing you can do about it but wait for it...well...it's hard.

i feel like i have been waiting for some things in my life for years. some for only weeks. but it seems that in the waiting, i am restless...worries and what-ifs buzz around my head like gnats on a sticky summer afternoon.

everything, it seems, is a big question mark...in some cases, an open-ended question with no answer in sight...where am i going to school...where will i live...how will i afford it...will i do well...what is going to happen in other situations...am i in for heartbreak and disappointment...i sure hope not, but i fear it.

and i think really...it's a matter of not really believing that God wants to love me and do good to me...to bless me and show me favor. it's a deeper theological wrestling of mind, soul, spirit than just do i believe that God is good, kind, loving, etc...it is will he prove to be those things to me...will he intervene and bring good things into my life...not in the sovereign sense of "we must accept that all things eventually work for our good"...but in the very real, tangible "wow! this is amazing!" blessing of this present moment. i know we need both. i just feel i need more of the latter to balance things out.

and there's the thing...what i know...what i believe...what i can control...and maybe the real frustration is that God is not tame...that he is mystery...and a bit of a wild card at times...we don't know what he will do...

but wouldn't it then be just as easy to believe he's gonna go off and surprise us with awesome goodness instead of shocking sadness?

"you take it on faith...you take it to the heart...but the waiting in the hardest part"